All night mexican food places span the country. In each locale they go by a different name. Up until recently, all night mexican food places in Utah were called Betos. You know the place - they all look the same, they have the same crappy menu photography, the same food, and the same non-english speaking employees.

"3 rolled tacos"

Being a big fan of all night mexican food, I thought I would give you guys some helpful instruction on how to properly place an order and what to expect after you do. You see, all night mexican food employees are a wily bunch and you never quite know what it is you're going to get.

First of all, if you don't know spanish then you might as well not know english either. If you can't speak to them in their native tongue then you are at their mercy. You are buying yourself a spicy mexican food lottery ticket and you can't be sure if you're a winner or a loser until you have that food in your hands.

Don't try to mix up menu items. Let's say you like rolled tacos like I do. All night mexican food places usually have a menu item that is something like "3 rolled tacos." In my case it costs $2. Since I'm a fatty McFatty pants I like to place two orders. So here is your pop quiz: Do you ask for 6 rolled tacos or 2 orders of 3 rolled tacos?

The answer: it's actually a trick question. It doesn't matter what you order because they're going to give you whatever they want anyway. When you order your 6 rolled tacos and notice that the total is a dollar or two more then you should be being charged, you know you're screwed. Even worse, once that total is in the machine, no amount of conversation can change it. Whatever comes out is what you're going to get.

Once you realize that they are going to screw up your order (which should be well before ever walking through the door), don't argue with them. Mexican food employees are vindictive and the only thing worse than a messed up order is a messed up order given to someone they don't like. I tried to correct the girl at the register once several times and ended up with rolled tacos with no meat, a missing drink, no silver-(plastic)-ware, and a few more dollars out of my pocket than was justified.

When I order a taco and am charged $5, and I can clearly see that they are $2 on the menu, you just have to roll with it. If it bothers you, tell yourself that it is a subtle hint from the employee that you don't want whatever it is your ordered. Even when you know what you're getting, you never know what you're getting if you catch my drift. I mean, these people can't even understand spanish words like "taco" let alone being able to read health regulations.

In closing, I'd like to give you a few handy phrases in Spanish that you can use next time you order from an all night mexican food joint. Don't expect them to understand what you're saying because I don't even know if those people speak spanish. They might be aliens for all me know, carrying out experiments by sneaking intergalactic drugs into our food and observing our reactions. In fact, maybe the food itself is an intelligent form of alien life - a theory supported by the inhuman revenge that it takes on your system well after you eat it.

I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, helpful spanish phrases:

"No lettuce" - "Ninguna Lechuga"
"Hold the diarrhea, please." - "Lleve a cabo la diarrea, por favor."
"I am allergic to guacamole" - "Soy alérgico al guacamole"
"six rolled tacos. That's two orders of three." - "seis tacos rodados. Ésa es dos órdenes de tres."
"Get it right, or I'll call immigration." - "Consígale la derecha, o llamaré la inmigración."

Feel free to correct me as I just used babel fish to make those translations. Oh, and only use that last one as a last resort.

Good luck!