Given the lack of anyone competent to vote for this election season, it is with great pleasure that I officially announce my candidacy for President. I will be running as an Independent because I'm pretty sure that means it's free.

My motto is "change you can really for reals believe in, really." Never before has "some guy" been elected president. Help me make this dream a reality!

I will officially run as "Sam" because I think America and I can be on a first name basis. Also notice that my thumb is dirty in my official campaign photo. That is because I am a real life hard working American and also I just repaired the tire on my bike.

My main focus is a free market and state rights. I will let poorly managed financial institutions go out of business and I will make it so citizens don't have to pay their neighbor's mortgages. I will veto any laws regarding social issues and ask the states to make their own decisions. I will not start any more destined-to-fail government programs.

Vote for me in November and I'll totally let you stay in the Lincoln Bedroom!

P.S. I need a running mate - apply in the comments!