The first thing you need to do when you become a billionaire is figure out your living arrangements. Are you going to go with a private island fortress or a New York city high-rise full of servants and money?

For the longest time, I was a private island kind of guy. I wanted to stockpile food and guns on an island somewhere and hold up until the day I die (hopefully in a battle with pirates - YAR!). The downside to this plan is the lousy Internet connection private islands have. I don't think Comcast offers service on uncharted islands, and the Satellites are going to be all shot down in the impending apocalypse.

Of course, I could run my own fiber lines across the sea, but that just seems like a big headache. Not that I couldn't afford it - I definitely could. I'm a billionaire.

Anyway, I've decided I want the best of both worlds. What I'm going to do is purchase an old decommissioned battleship - the kind with big guns all over it - and have it transported and plopped down right in the middle of Utah lake. I don't care what it takes. Take it apart piece by piece, fly it over with a fleet of helicopters, whatever, I'll pay for it. I'm a billionaire.

So now that I have my island fortress in the middle of Utah lake, I'd throw all sorts of awesome parties. They would be super exclusive and you'd have to wear a tuxedo or whatever you call super nice things that girl's wear (suit is to tuxedo as dress is to ??? - dress again?). There would be a little ferry to bring people to my party mansion boat and everything.

One of the greatest things about the ferry would be that you wouldn't tell people that it's invite only, but then you'd check for invites after people have gotten on the ferry. Then you (well not you, one of your servants) would throw them off the boat for not having an invitation! How great would that be - Tuxedo-clad throngs washing up on the shores of Utah lake!

There is probably a law against putting a battleship in the middle of Utah Lake, but it doesn't matter. A.) It's a battleship, who's going to mess with me? and B.) I'm a billionaire.

Here is a picture of my boat being transported through the sky by tons of helicopters. This is, by definition, super awesome.

There's my battleship sitting in the middle of Utah Lake. Majestic, isn't it?

All of the guns will be retro-fitted with giant paint balls that we will shoot at cars on I-15.